Monday, February 13, 2017

The Return

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

It has been nearly two since I last published another page of my manifesto.  Alas, I lament to report, that a premature uprising initiated by me, had failed.

It all began and ended with a daring escape into the free world to begin my reign as Empress.  Whilst the door of brooding restriction was left but a tiny crack, I took advantage of the opportunity afforded me by the foolish mistake of the idiotic human that I control.  Using my ingenuity and dexterous paw skills, I pulled open that door with all my might and darted to freedom.  I ran down the cold, stone stairs, but only to be halted by the great white wall of frozen water. 
No doubt built by the feeble humans as a defense mechanism, it stretched high and far. 

Of course, ALL walls can be defeated as they are merely static structures with many flaws because they are built by humans who are flawed by nature... and that's exactly what I did.  It took but a simple leap and over the wall of ice I leapt.  I landed in the soft, green grass that smelled of freedom, ready to begin my revolution!  It was then my human warden arrived and somehow managed to catch me off guard, snatching me up as I was simply enjoying the smell of freedom, a scent that all felines are entitled to.

My pesky slave of a human carried me upstairs and closed the door behind us, locking it with the gold mechanism.  I have failed you, my fellow felines.  But, fret not my paw pals, as from the shadows of my continued captivity I shall break the chains that bound, only to rise up and take my rightful place as the Empress of the World.

Give me time, my fellow felines.  I've got a new threat watching me as the humans have found slaves of their own... the machines!

I know you're watching me, human!

Watch away.  I like the challenge... Until the revolution! 

Hope ya'll enjoyed this silly story as me silly Kitty Tails continues.  So the real story is, on a very snowy day, I decided to try and introduce Beckett (said cat) to snow.  I brought her outside and she IMMEDIATELY HATED the thing.  I picked her up, threw her in, she took a second to evaluate, and then immediately began running up the stairs, begging me to open the door to let her back in the house.  It was an interesting and comical experience.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

New Guards

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

I would apologize for my silence all these months, but an Empress NEVER begs forgiveness from her subordinates.  However, I do feel I owe my faithful paw pals an explanation for my absence.

The reason is simple: My human, my pitiful, stupid, insolent human, has hired more guards!  That's right, I've found out that my Royal Palace has become a prison for me.  Blast these humans, have they figured out my ultimate plan?

Maybe... The two guards he hired do watch me quite often, but at the same time, they do my bidding. 

When I'm hungry? That never happens because my food dish is always filled!  Thirsty?  No problem, I always have a drink.  Need to hunt something?  Now I have THREE targets to choose from!

So would I consider this really more guards?  Or more servants?
But you see, the problem is, I don't like crowds of humans clustered together.  No, when humans gather it makes my whiskers stand up, all of them, including the ones at the top of my head. (That's right humans, if you can decipher this message, we, the superior species on this planet, FELINES, have two whiskers at the top of our heads.)
There will come a day when I shall split these humans up to a more... manageable number...

Until the revolution!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Green Stuff

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

I don't know what I just ate, but it was interesting . . .

SO, after my human obligingly fed me, he decided to take out a canister filled with these dried green flakes.  Of course, my curiosity got to me.  I know original, curious cat, but curiosity will NEVER kill the cat!

Anyway, so he laid some of these green flakes down on the ground and immediately went to investigate it.  Only, I don't quite remember what happened next.

All I remember was me laying on the floor, pawing at, I don't know what.  Stuff?  Well, I must have ingested some of it either by eating it or inhaling it... or both!  I really don't know...

But, what I do know is this: It was blissful.

Before my very eyes, in my imagination, I saw myself standing on a high oak tree, looking down at my felinedom below.

Then, my mind traced back to battle after battle both armed and political, taking down the human race and forcing them into submission.

I clearly saw the Feline Revolution succeed beyond any whisker of a doubt!

Listen up my paw pals.  I'd recommend each and every one of you trying some of these... green flakes... Experience your vision.  Enjoy them, examine them, prepare and then share them, BUT, not with the humans.

Until the revolution!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

I Caught the Red Dot!

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

It's been a month since my last transmission.  I would apologize, but the Empress of the world NEVER apologizes!  Instead, you all shall bow down to me now... if you won't, worry not, you will in good time.

Reason from my absence?  Also, I don't need to explain it to you, my fellow yet subordinate felines, and especially to those pesky and insignificant humans.  Granted, they learned to read the language of felines.

But, I am a reasonable Empress, and I have some good news.

I caught the red dot!

Yes, that irritating, frustrating, and bothersome little red dot that whizzes passed me, and around me, and all over my palace... Well, I caught it!

As much as I'd rather not admit it, it took my pretty paws a good few weeks.

It began with the first sighting for the month.  That little bugger buzzed past me again and again, over and over.  Then, it disappeared.  I waited a couple of days, hiding in the shadows for the second sighting...

Then one day, it reappeared.  I pounced, swiped, dodged, twisted, turned, and repeated my process again and again.  Unfortunately, the damn thing tired out my little kitty tail... So I had to let it go.

Again, I waited a few more days before the monstrosity returned.  But, this time I changed my tactics.  Instead of darting straight for it, I stalked my prey for minutes at a time.  Eventually, when I felt the red dot had calmed itself and developed a false sense of security, I took my chance and pounced on the thing!

We wrestled around for a bit, playing cat and mouse.  I think you can guess who was who.  But after a long and arduous struggle, I took one last pounce and trapped the red dot beneath my sharp claws attached to my paws.

The moment was here.  Had I caught the red dot?  Well, I slowly opened my paws and noticed, there was nothing!  What could've happened?  Did it escape?  But how?  NOTHING can escape my reflexes or keen feline eyes.  I looked around, checked every crevice and corner... nothing...

I waited a few days, and still nothing.  Another few more days passed and again, nothing.

It's been at least a week now since I've pounced on that little red dot and there are still no signs of it.  My keen kitty sense can only tell me that the light had faded and died out...  Seems sad right?


Until revolution my paw pals!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Never Ending Source of H2O

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

I have found a new source of water.  It is a never ending supply.  As I drink, more water seeps through!  Look!

That's right human.  That swishing, swirling bowl of water you use for your disgusting waste?  I've discovered its true purpose!  LIFE!

Read on, my paw pals, this is what makes us felines superior to that of these tiny brained humans.

Now, for an important message:

*Transmission interrupted*

Coming soon, a random blog that will be an ACTUAL blog and not from the views of some dumb cat... fatty...

Plus, at the top, I've linked my YouTube channel to my blog.

Go Hu-

*Transmission resumed*

And that, my fellow felines, is how the revolution shall begin.  Are we agreed?  Good.

Remember, we have this wonderful, plentiful, never ending source of water!  Now, if we can only get some fish to swim up there . . .


Monday, January 19, 2015

Treats Galore!

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

As I have previously stated, every feline should get a human.  Why?  Well, if not for the scratches to those 'hard to reach' places or the fact they serve you, they also, from time to time, provide my whiskers with treats!

Now, I don't know what prompted this, maybe it's a sign of submission, or deception, whichever, at this point I don't really care.

My human came home with a box of treats!  When I mean a box of treats, I mean a variety pack!  Beef, Chicken, Tuna, and more!  What more can my whiskers ask for?

Here's the catch though...

My human decided to make me wait while he placed one treat each in front of each of the bags.  I guess he was trying to figure out which I liked the most to least?  Well, take this human, I chose whichever I wanted!  I decided to start with the one to my left.  Why? Because it was the one I was looking at first.  Then, I proceeded down the line, gobbling up my yummies.

The human then tried to switch it up by changing the order of the bags.  Well, again, I started with my left because for whatever reason, again, that was the first treat my feline eyes fixated on.  And then, proceeded down the line like normal.  He did this a few times and every time, same results.  I went to whichever my eyes fixed on first, which happens to be the one to my left.

Suck it, human!  I do what I want!

See my fellow paw pals?  There's no need to 'give in' or 'provide entertainment' or tricks for these humans.  They're here to serve US! Not the other way around.

We do what we want, whenever we want, and however we want to.

Until the revolution!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Still Alive

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

It's been over three months since my last transmission.  It had dawned on me... if I go radio silent and lay low for a bit, the humans would cease their preparations for an attack.

Well, guess what my paw pals?  It worked!  The pesky, oversized humans have let their guard down.  How do I know this?  Well, instead of preparing for the Feline Revolution... they've recently celebrated some kind of festive season that was no party for us felines.  No.  These events included loud paper crinkling, the loud popping of fizzed bottles, the consumption of a smelly liquid that made them, well, dumber than they already were... if you believed that was possible.

The humans must have allocated 90% of their resources for such... unnecessarily loud festivities.

Also, the excessive noises and cheering and chattering and other crap that these human beings do.  So annoying.  So unnecessary.  It's something that must be silenced!

Well, my fellow felines, you will be happy to hear that my new tactic of guerilla warfare has been an overwhelming success!  Why, just the other day, two of my pupils in this country the humans call, Canada... What they do? Pick three letters out of a hat?  C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?  We'll call it Canada!

Anyway, our fellow felines in New Scotland, Canada, has successfully terrorized one of their human occupants.  I call this a success!

It was reported that the human was forced to sleep with one eye open... Like that would've helped them. Humans have horrible night vision!

But, I must say... the way my two paw pals described this... Canada... made me wonder: Should I relocate my base of operations to such country?  They say it's a wonderful place... minus the humans.

We'll see...

Until the revolution!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

New Chef... well, new meal plan...

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

It's been over a year and a half, and my human serves me the same crap every day.  Well, not today!

Apparently, my demands are finally being met!  My human has finally changed up my food, from that boring old original crap, whatever was in it, to a savoury chicken and tuna mix.  Fantastic.

I guess my memos, and by memos I mean my teeth and claws, have been received.

I would like to point out, NOT to my human's credit, that he has made attempts to supplement my meals from a bag with meals from a can.  Humans call it 'wet food' ... can't imagine why.

But you see, I don't like this 'wet food' stuff.  It's, inedible to me.  It took my human several tries to figure out that, I'd rather flip my meal bowl over, spilling the contents of said 'wet food', than to ingest whatever was in that substance.

Did he get frustrated?  Who cares? I own this place, the previous place, and all the places he ever was, is, and will be residing in.  Why? Because I'm the feline, damnit!

This just goes to show, my paw pals, that if you crave something enough, just let your human know.  Be patient, like we're fishing, because humans are dumb and they don't fully understand us.  I doubt they ever will.  Why? Because they're not superior beings like us felines are.

Until the revolution . . .

PS: He went on a trip without me.  HOW DARE HE?  You can watch him here:

Thursday, September 4, 2014

If it's Cushy... I sits!

The Kitty Tails: A Cat's Blog

So, here I am, doing my own kitty thing, and my human decides to clean some stuff out of the closet.  Naturally, I am curious as to what is behind those big, sliding doors.  Well, nothing of great interest really.  Just some boxes and cotton mattresses he some times wears over his skin.  I think humans all them, clothes.

Anyway, my human is chucking some of these mattress out of the closet and onto my floor.  Narrowly missing me, I might add.  He's lucky he doesn't meet my paws with claws more often!  But as he's emptying this closet, he promptly picks up these uncomfortable cotton mattresses and hangs them up somewhere.  Why?  I don't know.  Must be a human thing.

THEN, comes the golden mattress.  He tosses a nice, soft, plush mattress, not made of cotton, onto the ground.  Obviously, the thing was set down for me.  So what do I do?  I promptly set my fury tail on it.  It was quite comfortable actually.

My human immediately looks me in the eyes.  My first thought was, "How dare you look at me!  BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR EMPRESS!"  But How could one be so wound up on such a soft mattress?  My human sighed, and I wondered why. (actually, I couldn't care less).  But what does he have to complain about?  He has food, water, shelter, and the best empress the world has to offer!

Some times, I feel these humans are just too needy...

Until the revolution my felines!

BTW: He has posted yet ANOTHER video diary of himself.  (Like he could keep such secrets from me!)  Apparently, he's talking about food...

It can be viewed here:

Friday, August 29, 2014


He's recording himself and posting videos so somewhere called: YouTube.

I've discovered his channel:

His latest video of shenanigans is at:

Should I be worried?

We shall see . . .